Shekinah's Digital Junk Drawer

I hate to give my mom things to be right about.

She has such a nihilistic approach to the world, due to life experiences I guess, but I refuse to adopt her framework on certain things.

For one, she says I can’t trust ANYONE, not even my BFFAE (BFF AND EVER) since 6th grade because they’ll hurt you. Sorry but the times I’ve loved her and all my friends is worth the heartache.

I’ve never walked away from a friendship seriously thinking that I wish we never met.

My mom’s viewpoint is one of paranoia and reservation—she’s right when I say I give too much of myself away too fast when I like someone.

It’s definitely just a matter of how I’m hardwired; I want a love as fast as I move. One that burns as brightly and intense as I do.

Doesn’t love like that leave nothing in its wake when it’s done with? Unfortunately, but that’s how I like it; Hard and fast… 

I’m the most delusional girl in the world. I meet an attractive person and they show an iota of interest in me and I start hearing wedding bells; even worse, I spend hours (NOT HYPERBOLE) imagining scenarios with them. 

Latest guy told me he’s seeing somone for V-Day and the things he said kept repeating in my head.

I was walking with a classmate when he sent that text and actually made her read it out to me. I kept saying it outloud. I’m seeing someone. Over and over. I’m not kidding. I couldn’t figure out what exactly that meant to me except he was not into me. I’m seeing someone—And it’s not you.

Writing this I know it’s just opening up my wound about being unlovable, unchosen. 

Why can’t someone ever choose me to build with?

Yet I’m still looking for my other half.

I always tell my mom that my heart’s neverrr going to stop bleeding.  Am I Lover girl? Or something worse, stupider?

Something I refuse to believe about love:

That men are “hunters” and supposed to “chase”.   I hear it from social media, friends, and my darling mother of course. I refuse to succumb to this bio essentialist riffraff.  No offense but it makes them sound like rapists…the notion that I’m supposed to act nonchalant to get the guy I want is crazy. It’s even crazier is the idea that I’m supposed to be prey in this analogy. Shouldn’t the union never happen then (well, yes!)? I just don’t think it’s healthy to chase someone that doesn’t show interest in you (I KNOWWWW I’M GUILTY OF THIS BUT I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE NORMAL). I love the fact that since my Junior Year, I’ve acted on my crushes (to various rejections).   I’m grown AS FUCK. If I like someone, why wouldn’t I show interest? When I like things and people, I like them. I guess it’s because I know how what it’s like to wait and how it feels to let life happen to you instead of being an active participant.

I’m still helplessly single and looking.

Lovefool

I wrote all of that in the early hours of January 30th, and I have new thoughts, the first day of February.

But first, fun fact about the featured image: I’ve had the “best candy” paper since 2023; it was a fun thing we did 2nd semester in newspaper to pass time due to the censorship of us (whole ‘nother story). There were various prompts and we, staffers, took pictures of people holding up their answers. I could probably find it in my camera still. Haha.

Now I remember that extras were made and I took them home for some reason.

You can see that I’ve used it to test our markers: I was fully intending to use it as spare printer paper. This IS Shekinah’s Digital Junk Drawer.

I guess now is time to reminisce about what else happened 2nd semester, my first ever relationship. We got together after Valentine’s Day, so I still have not experienced a romantic V-day.

I was resigned to graduating high school without holding hands with someone. I guess you could say that romance comes when you least expect it, but love, and I’m ruled by Venus so I would know, comes whenever she wants.

I’m still sad that I’m probably going to spend Valentine’s Day single and probably won’t be slaying the house boots down, but I’m determined to spread the love and enjoy my favorite holiday (mom says it isn’t one) regardless.

Still, I can’t help but imagine a world where I’m chosen for once. I can’t stop myself from dreaming.

High School can’t be the only time I’m wanted enough to wife up. Trust that it won’t be.

Someone, also in High School (I swear on my precious, pretty life that I did NOT peak there), once told me that I’m the type of girl to have a boyfriend. I totally agree! I would be THE girlfriend, and I know because I was once, and I know the capacity of my heart now.

Tl;dr: PLEASE hook me up with your hot friends, I beg of you. You can clearly see that I am suitable, mentally stable mate for any self-respecting guy.

I will let you know how Love Day goes and if my relationship status changes.